I've been thinking a lot about something lately. A few years ago when I was having a difficult time understanding why I was struggling with something so much, my friend, CJ Lotz said, "Sometimes living hurts, but it beats the hell out of living numbly." I know that's true, but is it really true?
Just as our words cannot be neutral, neither can our experiences. What do you do when you don't want to re-live something because you know it will never be as good, but you also don't want to move forward because you don't want to forget it? And is there a limit to how many memories our brains can hold at one time? Does one memorable moment automatically replace another? Do I have to sacrifice my memories in order to get more? For some reason I have this scenario in my mind of me saying, "I'll give you one fourth grade slumber party in exchange for my upcoming camping trip," followed by a man with horn-rimmed glasses and the book of my life squinting his eyes whilst flipping pages back and forth then saying, "Throw in that senior year karaoke night and you've got a deal." That's not right.
Plus, if I can't store all of these memories in my brain, then I am forced to document them elsewhere. Ok. That's great. If I was the one responsible for recording the Second Coming it would probably go like this, "It was really dark. Then really light. Then Christ came and it was really cool. He's awesome." When you have the vocabulary of a fifth grader, it's difficult to convey any speck of emotion. In my creative writing class last semester, my professor shared this line from a girl's paper used to describe her character: "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever." I sympathize and empathize.
It's depressing thinking about all the good memories I can't think about anymore because they're forgotten. That's why I'm starting to believe that living numb is the only way to go. If we don't know what we're missing, we aren't missing anything.
Side note: There's a reason why this blog is entitled "Conversation With Myself." I am very well aware I couldn't pay someone to have this conversation with me.
2 comments:
hahaha i love when i get these little insights into your head!!!
I completely agree. I lived most of high school feeling numb and it was great, but now I'm starting to fade back into feeling and they are no fun at all. Life is a crazy whirlwind of weirdness, pain, bliss, disappointment, and adventures. I would prefer the bliss and adventure part personally.
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